Foster Parenting is hard

Things have been a little crazy around here.  We're all grieving in our own way over Jennifer having to leave.  When you bring a child into your home and love and care for them, it's so hard to let them go, even if that's what's best for them.  I think Rebekah and I are suffering the most from this loss.  We're the ones who spent the most time with her.  Rebekah and Jennifer got along so well, and they were both so glad to have each other as sisters.  Since Jennifer left Rebekah has been handling it better than I thought she would, but all of her grieving is coming out through her not being able to sleep.  (And she asks a lot of questions about Jennifer and where she's at, where she's going, when we'll get to see her again...)  Aside from taking care of our children I put everything I had into helping Jennifer learn to cope with the challenges she's been given, and we made so much progress.  She gained a light in her eyes, and she became truly happy, which her parents' commented they hadn't seen in years.  I was so grateful to the Lord for guiding me in what to say and what to do to help Jennifer, and she did so well for the most part.  But, her brain has some serious defects from FAS and trauma from a poor early childhood.  There was only so much I could do.  During the times the she lost control and went literally crazy- there was nothing I could do because she was a different person then.  She couldn't be reasoned with or comforted.  Jennifer has such a sweet spirit, it's just stuck in a body with a messed up brain.  Losing her has sent me through all the stages of greiving.  Even though I know she's going to be in a place where they will have professionals that can work with her more readily I keep wondering, Is that really what's best?  Doesn't every child deserve a family?  Oh how I wish I had more skills so that we could have kept her in our family. She was doing so well in so many ways.

When we go to visit her, it seems a part of her had died.  The light is gone from her eyes. It makes me want to cry and bring her back home again. But, we can't.  We have no say in the major decisions in her life, and now that she's not in our home, we have no say in anything at all.  It just makes me so sad to see her like that.  I really hope the state is doing what is best for her.  I know they are trying, but taking her out of our home was clearly damaging to her.  How long will it take for that damage to be repaired?  or will it ever be repaired?  Life is just hard sometimes.  But we have to keep moving forward.

I've been trying to figure out what to do with myself.  I spent so much time talking to and working with Jennifer, now she's gone.  Now what do I do with all that time?  I guess I'm feeling a little lost and need to come up with a "new normal."  I know my other three children need my time and attention, but right now they don't seem to want it.  They spent the last three months following Jennifer around and playing what Jennifer wanted to play, that they didn't get to play the way they used to.  So, during the day they have just been playing and playing, and enjoying having more control of their play. 

We sure learned a lot from having Jennifer in our home.  It sure made me grateful for the children that we have, as challenging as they are- they are mine forever and their behaviors are manageable!  (most of the time)

This has been healing for me to type. I know that life is hard, but the Lord only sends us challenges that we can handle.  Our family will get through this hard time and be better off for it.  And although we miss Jennifer, it is also a relief to have her living else where, because things got VERY stressful sometimes.  I know God lives and that he loves and watches over us.  I am so grateful for all that I have been blessed with.  I have a loving husband, three wonderful children, and the gospel of Jesus Christ.  I am truly blessed.